Word. Motherhood.

Sometimes I think, motherhood tends to be a lonesome journey. I had been thinking alot recently and to a point, overthinks. I wonder if Life had changed my life better, or made me a better person. Somehow, it did.

I learnt to be more independent than the safe shelter of my parents. I learnt to fight and earn for what I want in Life without depending or rendering much help however every single me-time, I will overthink and this somehow made me depressed.

Parenthood had gained a lot of insights on things that don’t matter to another perspective that changes my outlook on life. I used to think leading a life, to go on holidays every single f* years, live in a condo and drive a better car would be something that I would be proud of and enjoyed. Till now, I realised, it’s not. The only achievement that I looked forward to is the faces of my children in glee and happiness and enjoyed life as it is. The time spent and the love that counts, matter the most. And the only thing I work for would be putting my kids’ first, the housing and education needs.

I had lost my sense of directions for the past few years especially within the last 12 months. Alot of people actually asked me – why I actually name this wordpress as hualaalaa instead to link back to myself – willynn or my insta; supermeowmee. To be frank, hualaalaa is more like an alter-ego (not that I am crazy and had a split personality but..), it’s more of a pen name that I will used to pen down my thoughts and depressing ones so I would prefer to keep it as a separate entity.

This blog is meant to keep the thoughts as memoirs.

4 more months to my next milestone. I’m torn between engaging the confinement lady or just getting the confinement food. Budgeting is important as the economy of scale had been stretched for now and I’m re-looking alot of things in life.

That sense of direction. 🙂 Hopefully I get that soon. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Parenting – Handling Three

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From L-R: Currently at 6 (Rayshirl), 8 (Sharanne) and 7 (Andrealynn) years old respectively.

I always get people commenting on how well I handled the kids. To be frank, it really takes a lot of efforts to create this, what I called a “network” especially when the girls are all 11-months old apart.

The most difficult times that I need to struggle through is the times when they are 2, 1 and months old. I felt depressed as each of them had their own feeding schedules and worst still, when they got sick together. But thank god for my supermom who helped me took care of these three hyper bunnies while I went back to work.

Also, family support is a pre-requisite to have more kids (Government can only help to pave ways but not much.). For my case, I am lucky to have a strong support of siblings, in-laws, extended family who are always there to assist when required. This network paved the ways and also demonstrated to the girls since young of a strong family nucleus and bonds. Also, they learnt the art of sharing and superb articulation.

As they grew older, things get easier.

I used to carry an Alibaba bag which could be equivalent to an army field pack. All the diapers, extra clothings (and my clothings), milk bottles for each individuals are packed respectively into this Alibaba bag. However as the youngest one becomes diaper-free, I just need to “force” everyone to carry their own water bottles and ta-da off I go.

Going out with these 3 hyperbunnies used to take alot of skill but I managed to create a buddy system/ network so that these three will take each of one another. The elder one will always be tagged to the youngest one and the middle child gets to pick who she wants to be with.

This instills:

  • Responsibility and Leadership Navigation Skills in the Eldest.
  • No Middle Child Syndrome for the Middle.
  • Learn how to respect and a role model to look up for the Youngest.
  • Looking out for one another and sharing is caring concept.
  • Communication skills and articulation.

Each of them will have one role when we are doing the activities/ sessions:

  • Eldest does the Logistics
  • Middle does the Planning
  • Youngest does the Execution

In terms of groceries shopping; Sharanne will pick up the trolley or basket. Andrealynn will command on what to purchase and Youngest does the pick up of the items. Sometimes, they switched the roles among themselves.

And indeed, time flies and they are now at 8, 7 and 6 years old. It just went in a blink of an eye for their childhood. And sadly, I was not with them during the majority of the childhood due to work but well, for the better of their future. ^^

Insomnia; a lesson to learnt.

It seems like pregnancy supposed to be a celebratory thing instead of being constantly depressed over finances, job roles and etc.

March seems like it had always been a bad ass month for me especially since I left PA 2 years back. Last year, I had to walk out from the traumatic experience of a similar #metoo incident that left me a quick mark on my resume. This year, I had to ponder over an unjust change of job role and had to curb with various constant threats of me, losing the job.

I guessed it right. Gender discrimination exists in this era and ecosystem. Pregnancy supposed to be celebrated, well received than in a depression state. I can’t sleep well thus I am typing at this timing at 5.44 am to let out my thoughts and also, to pen down this important and painful lesson for me to remember.

I made wrong choices over the months and sometimes I wished that I could just turn the time back especially in terms of career. But there is one thing for sure, I will never forsake my kids be it in whatever circumstances it is. My 3 daughters are the sacrifices of the harsh and pathetic life I am leading, being a single income, staying within a unsupportive circle of trust and the need to live to work (not work to live).

However having said that, I had indeed thought of through of abortion at the initial start because this pregnancy was never easy to begin with. Ironic isn’t it? All because it was expensive, painful and all the nasty things that a pregnancy that shouldn’t be encountered, was seen and fulfilled on me. I went through 3 different Gynae to have my issues fixed.

Yet, I need to mask this in my early days and do my best in something (because in fearing that I will be terminated for whatever reasons), all for an exchange of a self-perceived discrimination and in a situation that one will squeezed me further till the hope of an instant self surrender.

I admired the courage that a woman had to go through an abortion because the guilt will forever stay. The courage to live on with this guilt is a strength that one can never imagine. Having said that, I am blessed with 3 great Gynae who had never once asked me to give up on this. They could just go for the easy money with just one advice – abortion. They just spoke with positive words. Nothing heals better especially from a doctor’s mouth. On contradictory, I almost became a murderer by scheduling the “A” appointment not once but thrice but for these appointments, the furthest I went was the counter of the clinic and I made 1000000000 and 1 excuses not to proceed with the next step. The Gynae immediately gave me an “ORD” status as he said, I wasn’t operational ready. Thank god, a life had been saved. Despite all the downside of this miracle pregnancy…

Of course, somehow or rather I am glad for various supportive personnels; I am starting the “thank-you” rounds not in any forms of order.

Jojo & BFF – the first few (s) who knew about it and had been there for the encouraging words. Really thank you for keeping the spirits up during the early days.

L&J – Sounds as if I am scolding you guys vulgarities. You know who you are and in case #sliteyes happened to chance across this. Both of you are in fact, in the 1st 5-people list to know about the pregnancy. Thank you for making work fun despite all the nonsensical arguments and constantly reminding me to eat well (and on time), live well, heal well and keeping a look out for me. Thank you for all the junk food, tonic and laughters. Importantly, the love everyday in office, it just kept me going. And to Brother L, “Hope is indeed a dangerous shit thing.”

Another Half – I only want to thank you for stopping me at various times over harsh decisions but to be frank, the harshest decision had yet to come. But I thank you for being in my life to enable me to see things more vividly especially on the ugliest sight of the human beings. Thank you for gifting me the kids and some impromptu support as and when I needed it.

June from the Buttons Project – The lunch at J8 indeed inspired me alot especially on the part that you gifted me that book written by Jennifer. It was never easy to go through whatever you went through and had to further relate this to me, a complete stranger and in turn, become strength for me to go on further. May you continue this journey to inspire and lead people out from the darkness.

Jennifer – Although we had yet to meet but your story had pulled me from the pit hole of darkness. Your mission had inspired me to work harder and in near future inspire and empower more women when I succeed in my calling. May you continue this journey to inspire and lead people out from the darkness similar to what June did. Forgiving is easy but Forgetting is hard. It was never an easy feat but us, women can do it.

Jim – Although we kind of met only once in person thus far but somehow I believed you are different from the rest of the employers/ people I met. But your words of encouragements during the early days had indeed sank further into me that I reminded myself if one day, I were to succeed in terms of the career, I would need to adopt approaches like you as I believed in #payingitforward. Would look forward to a chance to work with/ for you.

Le Sister & Mum – To my sister, thank you for being a listening ear and the comment “Why would you kill your own child when you can’t bear to even put down a dog.” woke me up instantly. Although you still suck at communication but I am glad that you listened. To my mum, thank you for being there for me despite my tantrums.

To the people who left me a PM to ask how I am and constantly reminded me how great I was as a person. All these encouraging words had brought me out from the darkness and it saved me as a person who once had suicidal thoughts. Thank you Jac, David, Zie and etc.

To my Daughters and Furkids – Although I am not sure if you get to read this but thank you for being my happy pills, always. Despite my hectic schedules since Day 1, you guys rock my world and will always be my world. Sorry that I can’t commit to give you a better life. It’s holidays I know but yet I need to work. Mummy loves you all. 🙂

YO-UR (you know who I am referring to) – Indeed a love/ hate relationship with you but thank you for making me a better person and also, letting me to see myself as a better person. Thank you for constantly dropping me reminders and strength from afar and letting me know that I am not alone. I do not know what strength you possess but despite all my nasty words to you, you still believed in me and my dreams. Thank you for all the tender loving care and things that you do, in hoping to make my life better. Perhaps I should dedicate one post in near future if I have the chance, to you. I wonder how you trained your tolerance level at times. Whatever it is, I am grateful towards you and I meant it.

MYSELF – Life is full of up & down. Everyone has their own time in their own race. This defeat doesn’t meant life is up and you should give up. The patients in the palliative wards are fighting to live. You must paid it forward once you succeed so that other women who might be more unfortunate are able to survive this ordeal. Life is a painting, the good or bad, the sorrow or happiness are all determined by the Artist. This is just a passing phase, it will be better and you can do it. Halting plans perhaps meant you need to learn more before executing it. Go and open up your eyes and heart. to measure the beauty of life. When the doors of opportunities closes, go build one. You need to find a calling and your calling is the passion for the community.

Perhaps… Remember this.

“Sometimes God closes doors because its time to move forward. He knows you wont move unless your circumstances force You. Trust God, Always.”

It would not be a goodbye but a goodnight for now. I will wake up to a better tomorrow. I hope.

I wonder, why.

Some news are deserved to be celebrated but apparently, for mine, low-keyed and on a hideous mode and on this verge on being made redundant.

Over the past few weeks, I read through tons of news on #womenintech #techstartup and coping with p_ _ _ _ _ _ _y within the start-up eco-system.

Hideous mode meant that I need to upkeep certain rules. Managing different schedules and etc.

I decided to halt certain plans and proceed with just doing the best for the job.

I realised this could be the one that kills, looking at various options and uncertainty but I looked at the upcoming one, this gonna be the apple of my eye, indeed.

Burdened.

Be it finances, personal aspects and etc. I felt heavily burdened and yet, nothing could just “cut me some slack”.

Reflections on a year back, I took a pay cut from Public Sector and join a Fintech. However I left after a month stint after cultural differences and dramas within the organisation.

Despite the fact, many of my peers were shocked that I left an “iron rice bowl” for something non-conclusive with 3 children in the tow, with zero support from anyone (including the man). I admit, it’s indeed a steep learning curve that I excited to be part of when I got hired as the Employee #No.3 in Pioneering Bike-Sharing Local Team.

Looking back, Employee #No.1 and #No.2 had long left the company to pursue better worklife balance and I’m still within the zone of fast pace changes and haywired road maps with uncertainty within.

I was in a total regrets for turning down an opportunity due to a personal reason at another start up, curating in something I believed in.

Till date, I wished I could just say “Yes” on an impulse back then.

However I learnt;

“Sometimes God closes doors because its time to move forward. He knows you wont move unless your circumstances force You. Trust God, Always.”

And Year 2018 – I took another leap of faith to condone in something I deem crazy.

Hopefully, time will tell as this gonna be a make-it thing. I can’t afford to fail this.

Curated Paths

Sometimes I wished that someone can just curate the path for me. Growing up without a silver spoon, I am like the average grown-ups who needs to curate paths on my own.

This exercise flexibility but more stress along the way but again, saw this video and realized on how true it’s.

That level of network and reinvesting in myself, shall be something that I look forward to, as part of the goal in Year 2018.

Wild Thoughts

Having Scentimental Singapore (SS) since Nov 2016 did help to empower a small group of single parents and earn keeps during the means. Being community-centric and focus placed an important role within today society. With that busy and hectic schedules over in my current role and etc, I didn’t place much focus on SS until recently when I struggled to overcome.

And not everyone can deal with a social enterprise who ain’t earning but still render assistance to the vulnerable. It will never be a regret but I learnt the power of love.

As part of yearning support from the group towards my progress of procrastination, healing from whatever I had been through.

I met up with a strong lady, June over lunch earlier today and she recommended me a book by Jennifer Heng, “Walking Out Of Secret Shame”. I finished the book over an afternoon and it was inspiring. It gave me courage, strength and wisdom to make me understand that I am not alone. Thank god for June, it made me realised that raising strong women is indeed important.

Being through all these made me think. I always had many fears:

  1. Financial Capability
  2. IF I were to switch my career, can I juggle between this and that. Or rather who will hire?
  3. The Marriage Woes

To be frank, I am thankful that through these times, I met a lot of kind souls. Perhaps, because the lack of empathy within my current place, my faith for people tends to be compromised.

I almost switched to another role but when I was about to make up my mind to go for it, I was being presented another challenging situation which I did tell my then potential employer. His response had sank within me so hard that I am thankful that I had met this young entrepreneur despite the situation. His encouraging words are something I will never forget and it did tie me through some form of healing.

This is the type of people I admired.

At the crossroads, with everything so bleak. My plans for Year 2018 – was initially planned to work with someone on something community-centric, with strong focus on the networks. I had just finished my Business Plan for the day.

But again, I thought of doing this alone freaks me out in my current situation.

I had a dream last night where I dreamt that I was touring the Divine Realms.

I was bought to 4 stages of it, where the first stage required me recite my Buddhist teaching. The 2nd stage shown me the quantity of Merits & Karma that I had enlightened thus far. The 3rd stage shown me all the phases of my current life from birth to death and the Last…

It shown me – The bad deeds I had done this lifetime and the karma in which I will be getting in my afterlife. This set me into deeper thoughts on what does this dream got to tell me. I need some lights on this. Enlightenment please?

On another note, I am really thankful for the close support and encouraging words from the people who sincerely care. I couldn’t been here without your support.

Thank you.