Insomnia; a lesson to learnt.

It seems like pregnancy supposed to be a celebratory thing instead of being constantly depressed over finances, job roles and etc.

March seems like it had always been a bad ass month for me especially since I left PA 2 years back. Last year, I had to walk out from the traumatic experience of a similar #metoo incident that left me a quick mark on my resume. This year, I had to ponder over an unjust change of job role and had to curb with various constant threats of me, losing the job.

I guessed it right. Gender discrimination exists in this era and ecosystem. Pregnancy supposed to be celebrated, well received than in a depression state. I can’t sleep well thus I am typing at this timing at 5.44 am to let out my thoughts and also, to pen down this important and painful lesson for me to remember.

I made wrong choices over the months and sometimes I wished that I could just turn the time back especially in terms of career. But there is one thing for sure, I will never forsake my kids be it in whatever circumstances it is. My 3 daughters are the sacrifices of the harsh and pathetic life I am leading, being a single income, staying within a unsupportive circle of trust and the need to live to work (not work to live).

However having said that, I had indeed thought of through of abortion at the initial start because this pregnancy was never easy to begin with. Ironic isn’t it? All because it was expensive, painful and all the nasty things that a pregnancy that shouldn’t be encountered, was seen and fulfilled on me. I went through 3 different Gynae to have my issues fixed.

Yet, I need to mask this in my early days and do my best in something (because in fearing that I will be terminated for whatever reasons), all for an exchange of a self-perceived discrimination and in a situation that one will squeezed me further till the hope of an instant self surrender.

I admired the courage that a woman had to go through an abortion because the guilt will forever stay. The courage to live on with this guilt is a strength that one can never imagine. Having said that, I am blessed with 3 great Gynae who had never once asked me to give up on this. They could just go for the easy money with just one advice – abortion. They just spoke with positive words. Nothing heals better especially from a doctor’s mouth. On contradictory, I almost became a murderer by scheduling the “A” appointment not once but thrice but for these appointments, the furthest I went was the counter of the clinic and I made 1000000000 and 1 excuses not to proceed with the next step. The Gynae immediately gave me an “ORD” status as he said, I wasn’t operational ready. Thank god, a life had been saved. Despite all the downside of this miracle pregnancy…

Of course, somehow or rather I am glad for various supportive personnels; I am starting the “thank-you” rounds not in any forms of order.

Jojo & BFF – the first few (s) who knew about it and had been there for the encouraging words. Really thank you for keeping the spirits up during the early days.

L&J – Sounds as if I am scolding you guys vulgarities. You know who you are and in case #sliteyes happened to chance across this. Both of you are in fact, in the 1st 5-people list to know about the pregnancy. Thank you for making work fun despite all the nonsensical arguments and constantly reminding me to eat well (and on time), live well, heal well and keeping a look out for me. Thank you for all the junk food, tonic and laughters. Importantly, the love everyday in office, it just kept me going. And to Brother L, “Hope is indeed a dangerous shit thing.”

Another Half – I only want to thank you for stopping me at various times over harsh decisions but to be frank, the harshest decision had yet to come. But I thank you for being in my life to enable me to see things more vividly especially on the ugliest sight of the human beings. Thank you for gifting me the kids and some impromptu support as and when I needed it.

June from the Buttons Project – The lunch at J8 indeed inspired me alot especially on the part that you gifted me that book written by Jennifer. It was never easy to go through whatever you went through and had to further relate this to me, a complete stranger and in turn, become strength for me to go on further. May you continue this journey to inspire and lead people out from the darkness.

Jennifer – Although we had yet to meet but your story had pulled me from the pit hole of darkness. Your mission had inspired me to work harder and in near future inspire and empower more women when I succeed in my calling. May you continue this journey to inspire and lead people out from the darkness similar to what June did. Forgiving is easy but Forgetting is hard. It was never an easy feat but us, women can do it.

Jim – Although we kind of met only once in person thus far but somehow I believed you are different from the rest of the employers/ people I met. But your words of encouragements during the early days had indeed sank further into me that I reminded myself if one day, I were to succeed in terms of the career, I would need to adopt approaches like you as I believed in #payingitforward. Would look forward to a chance to work with/ for you.

Le Sister & Mum – To my sister, thank you for being a listening ear and the comment “Why would you kill your own child when you can’t bear to even put down a dog.” woke me up instantly. Although you still suck at communication but I am glad that you listened. To my mum, thank you for being there for me despite my tantrums.

To the people who left me a PM to ask how I am and constantly reminded me how great I was as a person. All these encouraging words had brought me out from the darkness and it saved me as a person who once had suicidal thoughts. Thank you Jac, David, Zie and etc.

To my Daughters and Furkids – Although I am not sure if you get to read this but thank you for being my happy pills, always. Despite my hectic schedules since Day 1, you guys rock my world and will always be my world. Sorry that I can’t commit to give you a better life. It’s holidays I know but yet I need to work. Mummy loves you all. 🙂

YO-UR (you know who I am referring to) – Indeed a love/ hate relationship with you but thank you for making me a better person and also, letting me to see myself as a better person. Thank you for constantly dropping me reminders and strength from afar and letting me know that I am not alone. I do not know what strength you possess but despite all my nasty words to you, you still believed in me and my dreams. Thank you for all the tender loving care and things that you do, in hoping to make my life better. Perhaps I should dedicate one post in near future if I have the chance, to you. I wonder how you trained your tolerance level at times. Whatever it is, I am grateful towards you and I meant it.

MYSELF – Life is full of up & down. Everyone has their own time in their own race. This defeat doesn’t meant life is up and you should give up. The patients in the palliative wards are fighting to live. You must paid it forward once you succeed so that other women who might be more unfortunate are able to survive this ordeal. Life is a painting, the good or bad, the sorrow or happiness are all determined by the Artist. This is just a passing phase, it will be better and you can do it. Halting plans perhaps meant you need to learn more before executing it. Go and open up your eyes and heart. to measure the beauty of life. When the doors of opportunities closes, go build one. You need to find a calling and your calling is the passion for the community.

Perhaps… Remember this.

“Sometimes God closes doors because its time to move forward. He knows you wont move unless your circumstances force You. Trust God, Always.”

It would not be a goodbye but a goodnight for now. I will wake up to a better tomorrow. I hope.

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