A for.

A.boo.sive (Abusive).

“It’s a joke” but whatever it is, I will keep growing stronger within me. Sometimes I just felt like going back to a carefree 7 years old free from everything.

I wonder, if my daughters come to me in near future, presenting the same set of problem and how should I respond? Is this something I should be thinking through.

All I know, I had an open mind as per compared to the parents of the good o’days. Family support is important for everything. Everything.

People who died a loner had died within them for the longest. People with depression do not receive understanding and compassion from their family or close friends. It’s also an irony when I counsel people but I got so broken within me.

“Life is like a deck of cards. It doesn’t matter how good your hand is but how you decided to play the game well based on circumstances.”

People who had never been in an abusive relationship will never understand the importance of support.  No one had walked the same path as I did and don’t be judgmental.

My only regret that – I could never have another baby in my life over the non-audible losses (with reference back to the previous post). Whatever it is, I need to let go and move on.

Judgment day is near and all I feel is fear.

I guess it’s time, to be awaken and stay alive and safe. And also to work on my beliefs on social enterprise, on empowering women (Google “Scentimental Singapore”). People do not leave abusive relationships for many reasons and I respected that.

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“Be that tower of strength than a limp of weakness.”

For the better or for worst, it’s up to the choice I made. Good luck.

Back to focus. PM me to speak.

Sidenote: To my wonderful friends/ colleagues who had stood by me, you know who you are. Major hugs and love.

And also kind angels for their encouragements and words of wisdom.

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Sage. The Great Sage.

It had been quite some times since I actually penned down my thoughts. Despite being 3 days new into the new year, I actually contemplate over many stuff and it’s on a depressed and dark mode.

I had many thoughts running in my mind and perhaps, by taking this leap of faith would help me regain my composure and erase all the “sane” and surreal actions which I had intended to take.

I had taken a bad toll on my health on the last part of the 2017 due to mismatch of my own personal expectations. ’17 and ’18 got to be the most challenging years.

Irony.

Anyway, Sage is a name that meant (1) the Great. E.g The Great Sage. (2) profoundly wise; and last but not least (3) an aromatic healing plant. This name gave me strength and a closure to something in which I will reveal in near future. People who had went through will somehow figure out this.

Time checked. 0837am and I am still at home. The contemplation had reached its highest and I wondered how life will be 5 years down the road.

This got to be the life I will never forget.

Text me at my personal no or a PM if you have something to say.

Buzzing Bumble Bee

Time flies with a blink of eye. I am getting very mundane with the stuff that I am doing. What am I doing and why am I doing. But again, I prayed that life had a good predicament for me in times to come.

On a happier note, today is Mothers’ Day. Yay! I am promoted to an Aunt since the birth of #BabyAurelia ~~~

And also, this made me realised, my kids are now 7, 6 and 5 respectively. Like god. So fast?

And as we embraced today to celebrate the victory of motherhood to our super heroine(s) in life, let us also take this moment and give a pat to those who might be going through today as a difficult moment of theirs – be it, those who had lost their child, or lost their mum, despite it being a different mothers’ day.

“Our thoughts are with you. Be brave, have that maternal spirit within.”

I am eternally grateful to my grandma, mum and MIL for everything and also, my dear girls who taught me the teachings of TRUE love.

Happy Mothers’ Day to all (including Single Dads too, who had to take on a role of a mom.) You people rock and I had a lifetime of lifelong learning.

Multi-Tasking Level: 500%

All thanks to Parenthood.

I think all parents are able to relate:

  1. Working on the laptop/ phones while holding onto the milk bottle.
  2. Spoonfeed the younger ones while you are on the phone with your clients/ working partners/ colleagues and etc.
  3. You are able to complete at least 3 housechores faster than the Usain Bolt WHILE babysitting your kids.
  4. Trying to feed more than one baby and you felt like a worker in a Production Line.
  5. You can shit, pee and shower while eye-powering your baby.

and many more…

Sometimes, it reaches a point that I gave up amazed by my own capabilities and I had already missed out on the girls’ childhood. Like wow.

It took me a while to ponder.

Why. cant. I. take. a. step. back.

If YOU are reading this, do something about it, please.

 

My Soul Mate, Matcha

Dear Matcha,

I just wish to pen this note to you as part of the memories in which you had bought me, the wonders of your life and the wonders of my life, with your presence.

I am sorry that I failed you at times, forgetting to get you your favourite treats, screamed at you for the wee-wee mess you made, not being there when the #ongsisters “forced” you to be part of the tea party in which you had never enjoyed (afterall, how does a dog drinks with paws?) and of course, the i-neglected-you-at-times moments.

But… I never treat you as a dog you know. You are like my best friend for life. My daughter, someone who I am hold dearly to and to be frank, you are that someone who knows my darkest secrets.

Words that had never been said. You heard it.

Thoughts that can never be translated. You heard it, too. Spirtually.

Things that were never meant to be seen. You saw it.

Thank you for being my comfort blanket during bedtime, when I am down, when I teared terribly, when I doubted myself, when I did my presentation rehearsals and many more.

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Thank you for being there for me, always and unconditionally.

Thank you for that excited and positive vibes of yours whenever you saw me appearing at the door, no matter how late it is.

Thank you for being the kind sister to the #ongsisters and bring great memories and happiness to my family, friends and many more to come.

Indeed, dogs are man’s best friend. And you are my soul mate. My dear soul mate.

Thus I wish you good health, happiness and may we conquer many milestones together as a family. I will be proud of you, just like you how you will be proud of me.

One thing for sure, I doubt I will be able to handle your absence one day. I simply don’t think I can overcome that because you had been part of me.

I love you, my Matcha, forever my wonderful baby.

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xoxo,

Your Beloved Hoomannnn Mummy.

P.S: I actually teared when I type this post.

Never Ever.

Never ever marry a man who made you an option instead of a priority.

Never ever marry a man who used you as a shield/ excuse to get away from someone or away with something.

Never ever marry someone who had a combination of the above.

Never ever. But I did.

fuck SCREWED.

Just need a space to spam my thoughts because the exhaustion from everything is overwhelming enough to kill me.

I need to breathe and get away from all these crap.

Also, this is a reminder to self that it happened.

Annie, Versace Lee.

The title made no sense (so was the day) but every 28 March marks the day that I signed on the dotted line. That dotted line that enabled me to be the legally binding person, liability to another party on this faithful universe.

It’s the wedding annieversacelee anniversary once again. Yay, I survived till this day, again. To be frank, I wasn’t keen to even wish myself, “many more years to come” because I never want to continue such life. The idiosyncrasy of independence.

So instead, I will wish myself, many more good years to come, as a mother and as a daughter (in-law). But still, thank you for the day. It was a day of joy years back but no longer joyful as the years past.

and I wonder, will my days/ years get better because I am closed to say, “Just f**k off from it.”

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And who doesn’t hope to take a longer break in life, but can one afford to? At least, I am conscious to my decision and did my part as a mother.

Bonus: The #ongsisters and I did a painting together including #matchathechihuahua for the #canonstickerjam contest (Check out via instagram and remember to like our piece).